up close and personal: into the night

Alone. So very alone.

Looking back over the last eighteen years since the Chapel experience, feeling alone was my predominate companion, whether in the company of others or not. The intimacy of His Presence and the weight of His Holiness passed into the night. The only light came from His Word. And though it gave little comfort, it was something to hold on to as things disintegrated around and in me. I took it as His personal Word to me. I read it every day: Is. 41: 8-16

"But you, O Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, you descendants of Abraham my friend, I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. " (v. 8-10)

Looking back many times brings clarity, but not always. Some things only eternity will clarify. Sometimes it stirs up unwanted pain. Other times it makes one thankful for grace that maybe was never felt but was there nevertheless. It's been like the sheep moving through the twists and turns of the sheepfold, funneled through life by the shepherd's staff. It is out of love, not malice-though that is the conclusion we are tempted to draw. We believe He is in control if we have given our lives to Him, but there are times when we want to "fire Him" for seemingly being incompetent. "What are you doing ? Why are you letting this happen? I thought you loved me.
What's wrong with You? What have I done to deserve this? " Questions many times left unanswered or unsatisfactorily by His asking for trust.

But to what end? Only one: that we may be able to stand before Him, see Him face to face, to receive and return love to He Who Is Holy and Perfect, to whom the angels cry "Holy, Holy, Holy" and the elders bow down in worship. We who were born into sin, who each has gone astray, who, even in the throes of passionate devotion and committed love, have chosen ourselves above Him and dressed in the habits of comfortable sin- we are called into His Majesty's Presence. And deep down, way down, we instinctively know we cannot-dare not-be There as we are now. We could not stand it; it would be too painful to look into His eyes. We would have to turn away lest our imperishable soul perish. Only the holy can see the Holy One. Only after the night long journey of fire in this life or the next can we see the Light of Life.

Alone. "I am with you".

88 to 98 brought a laundry list of trials with it-all down hill. Each day witnessed a disintegration of my marriage. Depression and disappointments within and outside of marriage were tempered by the joy of being a Dad, but even there I had to wonder how the tension was affecting the children. Years of counselling seemed to bring meager results. Prayer seemed to fall on deaf ears.

I just couldn't deal with outside concerns, so when The Word of God split up, I let go of it all. At the encouragement of others, I organized a parish mission. It brought some joy and sense of accomplishment, but it also brought resistance and sorrow at home. Emotionally, I had to let that go-I had no choice. I felt I HAD to keep trying. Everything in me, past and present, said to do so. Committed Catholics don't divorce. But, in the end, I couldn't go on as things were.

Deciding to separate was difficult for us, but a relief. We would continue counselling but live apart. I made sure I regularly saw the kids who were still at home, especially the youngest-12-whom I saw every day. 6 months later, in the counsellor's office, my wife delivered her decision for divorce. I thought we should still work things out. She would have to file. Four years later, I had to do it myself. I couldn't live in limbo anymore. The dream had finally died.

In times of trial, Satan has a field day. He likes it. He puts a lot of effort into it. The more things fall apart, the more salt he pours into the wounds. Other things pile on. I was reminded of his fun and of its ultimate outcome every day: "All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced...those who wage war on you will be as nothing at all. For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand, and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." (v.11-13) I held on to those words, even though they seemed powerless.

The Lord brought others into my life. I began seeing a Christian counsellor and also a Spiritual Director. They were very helpful. Another for prayer ministry. Despite them, around 2002, I had a 3 day panic attack. No fun there. I didn't know what was happening. I thought I had gone off the deep end until I called my counsellor and he told me what was what. My doctor was out of town so it took 3 days to finally get some help. If you haven't experienced it, the symptoms leave you totally helpless. No ability to concentrate because fear is everywhere. The "what ifs" dominate your thinking. You cannot control your thoughts. Your emotions shut down. You feel lost. During those days, I was constantly praying because I could only rely on Him; I knew I couldn't rely on me.

Today, I don't feel alone. No longer do I feel abandoned. Saying His Name and praying brings closeness again. I am part of a men's group. We help bear our burdens and enjoy one another. But the symptoms of anxiety linger, and that battle continues. Though I no longer believe I can do it all and try to get more merit badges, the temptations to rely and focus on myself and to take over the throne nip at my heels. I know I need the support of others. It is part of being in His Family. I also believe I am called to help bring Revival in the Church. It is a joy and privilege. It was 5 years of daily intercession for revival before this blog came to be. This persevering seems rather easy-though not always.

"See I will make you into a threshing sledge, new and sharp, with many teeth. You will thresh the mountains and crush them, and reduce the hill to chaff." Strength through weakness. "But you will rejoice in the Lord and glory in the Holy One of Israel." (v.15-16)

"I am with you."

He has more for us.