Up close and personal: twilight
Cold. It was very cold in the Chapel on that December morning 1988. I was glad I had my parka on. Quiet. No one was around and, as it turned out, it would be that way for a few hours. I would be relieved at that fact when it was all over. Just me and the Lord. I think He planned it that way.
As I sat before Him, I began my prayer time as I had done for the last few months: "Lord Jesus, show me all of my sins. I want to repent of them. I want to come closer to you." That had started after repenting one day as I rode around in my work van and experienced great joy upon receiving forgiveness. It was only logical that if I repented for all of my sins, the result would be equally joyous. Hence, the prayer. I really didn't know what I was asking for, nor how much of self was in the request. I soon found out. He answered.
It was 18 years since I gave my life to the Lord. After I left the seminary, I moved to Ann Arbor, Michigan to join The Word of God Community. It was the center for the worldwide Catholic Charismatic Renewal Movement. It was a budding Ecumenical Community and it would be the focus of my relationship with the Lord until the early 90's. It was the place to be if you wanted to live a committed life of service as a layman. There was a lot of idealism and zeal. Very busy, and everything revolved around one's commitment and service. I loved it.
In 1974, I married. Instead of "being single for the Lord", I was "married for the Lord". It was a dream of mine that we would "serve the Lord together", sharing in our zeal to live for Him as a couple, to do our part to build His Kingdom. It was a trial from the beginning. Confusion and anguish were companions for years to come. It would be my unraveling.
Four children came along. They saved my life and gave our marriage a focus off ourselves. We loved being parents. I always loved being a father. I couldn't get enough of them. They were sacred to me. Lots of fun-and work too. Gifts.
I had tried at times to use my degree from the seminary, but it never seemed to work out. I fell into the painting business. I liked working for myself, the creativity of it as well as working with my hands. It was always secondary anyway. As long as I could serve the Lord in the community and pay my bills, that was enough for me. Maybe one day I would serve the Lord full time-another dream.
Cold and quiet. Only a few minutes went by before the long awaited answer came-almost audibly, and I was on the floor wailing. He said: "Idolatry", and I knew exactly what He was talking about. I was my own idol. I was living to get my bandoleer of merit badges- wanting to build that image of myself that I and others could look up to and build my life around. The Lord was certainly in my life, but not on the throne. That was reserved for me. Strong, together, zealous, committed, pastoral, creative, loving, in charge and p e r f e c t-these are what I strove for-for me as it turned out. The idol came crashing down. It made a lot of noise.
He and I had a long give and take that day. I would say something and right away I would know His reply. Not verbally, but in my mind. It certainly was different. During the next 3 hours, I experienced the up and down of intense emotions, from bitter sorrow and lament, deep anger and rage, to the heights of intimate love and joy, to the comfort of forgiveness. Two experiences I want to share with you for they tell something of He Who Is.
I screamed at Him-literally. He had just patiently told me that He loved me. ""Why? How can you? Why, after all this crap in my life that you just showed me, do you love me? I wouldn't." It was unbelievable to me. Beyond my comprehension. I was not what I thought I was. It was all me. It was always me. Why? He said: "Because that is Who I Am".
At the end of my time with Him, I found myself in the back of the Chapel. I was kneeling face down with the hood of my parka over my head. I had a vivid sense of His Presence. I felt that if I turned my head slightly and peaked from under my hood, I would see Him. I dared not do that. I couldn't. He was Holy, and I was not. He let me be there, but I knew I didn't deserve it. He was Other. I begged for mercy. He gave it. Prostrate, I felt His Power came over me like a 10 ton weight on my back. It was difficult to breathe. All I could do was call His Name and grunt because of the weight. He is the all-Holy One. Before us and beyond us. We see Him dimly yet He is Light Itself. He is worthy, we are not. He is above all, Lord of Lords, King of Kings. Master yet Servant of all. And we dare not gaze upon Him.
The angels cry: "Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise. Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, singing, "To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!" The four living creatures said "Amen, and the elders fell down and worshiped." Rev. 5:12-14.
Walking out of the chapel, I felt somewhat dazed. What just happened? Did I have a breakdown? I was emotionally drained. I had to talk to someone right away. I went to see a friend and told him the whole thing. He reassured me it was the Lord and I wasn't nuts. He gave me some material on Pride to read. That made sense.
For the next few weeks every time I turned around I was repenting. I never knew there was so much to repent for! I told a number of people about the experience including someone from the staff of the parish but nothing came of it. I felt there something for others in this but I didn't know what, if anything, I could do about it. I realized there was something long-term going on. I would have to see how things played out. Twilight was over. Night had begun.
There is more.
As I sat before Him, I began my prayer time as I had done for the last few months: "Lord Jesus, show me all of my sins. I want to repent of them. I want to come closer to you." That had started after repenting one day as I rode around in my work van and experienced great joy upon receiving forgiveness. It was only logical that if I repented for all of my sins, the result would be equally joyous. Hence, the prayer. I really didn't know what I was asking for, nor how much of self was in the request. I soon found out. He answered.
It was 18 years since I gave my life to the Lord. After I left the seminary, I moved to Ann Arbor, Michigan to join The Word of God Community. It was the center for the worldwide Catholic Charismatic Renewal Movement. It was a budding Ecumenical Community and it would be the focus of my relationship with the Lord until the early 90's. It was the place to be if you wanted to live a committed life of service as a layman. There was a lot of idealism and zeal. Very busy, and everything revolved around one's commitment and service. I loved it.
In 1974, I married. Instead of "being single for the Lord", I was "married for the Lord". It was a dream of mine that we would "serve the Lord together", sharing in our zeal to live for Him as a couple, to do our part to build His Kingdom. It was a trial from the beginning. Confusion and anguish were companions for years to come. It would be my unraveling.
Four children came along. They saved my life and gave our marriage a focus off ourselves. We loved being parents. I always loved being a father. I couldn't get enough of them. They were sacred to me. Lots of fun-and work too. Gifts.
I had tried at times to use my degree from the seminary, but it never seemed to work out. I fell into the painting business. I liked working for myself, the creativity of it as well as working with my hands. It was always secondary anyway. As long as I could serve the Lord in the community and pay my bills, that was enough for me. Maybe one day I would serve the Lord full time-another dream.
Cold and quiet. Only a few minutes went by before the long awaited answer came-almost audibly, and I was on the floor wailing. He said: "Idolatry", and I knew exactly what He was talking about. I was my own idol. I was living to get my bandoleer of merit badges- wanting to build that image of myself that I and others could look up to and build my life around. The Lord was certainly in my life, but not on the throne. That was reserved for me. Strong, together, zealous, committed, pastoral, creative, loving, in charge and p e r f e c t-these are what I strove for-for me as it turned out. The idol came crashing down. It made a lot of noise.
He and I had a long give and take that day. I would say something and right away I would know His reply. Not verbally, but in my mind. It certainly was different. During the next 3 hours, I experienced the up and down of intense emotions, from bitter sorrow and lament, deep anger and rage, to the heights of intimate love and joy, to the comfort of forgiveness. Two experiences I want to share with you for they tell something of He Who Is.
I screamed at Him-literally. He had just patiently told me that He loved me. ""Why? How can you? Why, after all this crap in my life that you just showed me, do you love me? I wouldn't." It was unbelievable to me. Beyond my comprehension. I was not what I thought I was. It was all me. It was always me. Why? He said: "Because that is Who I Am".
At the end of my time with Him, I found myself in the back of the Chapel. I was kneeling face down with the hood of my parka over my head. I had a vivid sense of His Presence. I felt that if I turned my head slightly and peaked from under my hood, I would see Him. I dared not do that. I couldn't. He was Holy, and I was not. He let me be there, but I knew I didn't deserve it. He was Other. I begged for mercy. He gave it. Prostrate, I felt His Power came over me like a 10 ton weight on my back. It was difficult to breathe. All I could do was call His Name and grunt because of the weight. He is the all-Holy One. Before us and beyond us. We see Him dimly yet He is Light Itself. He is worthy, we are not. He is above all, Lord of Lords, King of Kings. Master yet Servant of all. And we dare not gaze upon Him.
The angels cry: "Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise. Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, singing, "To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!" The four living creatures said "Amen, and the elders fell down and worshiped." Rev. 5:12-14.
Walking out of the chapel, I felt somewhat dazed. What just happened? Did I have a breakdown? I was emotionally drained. I had to talk to someone right away. I went to see a friend and told him the whole thing. He reassured me it was the Lord and I wasn't nuts. He gave me some material on Pride to read. That made sense.
For the next few weeks every time I turned around I was repenting. I never knew there was so much to repent for! I told a number of people about the experience including someone from the staff of the parish but nothing came of it. I felt there something for others in this but I didn't know what, if anything, I could do about it. I realized there was something long-term going on. I would have to see how things played out. Twilight was over. Night had begun.
There is more.
posted by gene | 5:44 PM
2 Comments:
Praise God. Gene, while reading this I was filled with the Holy Spirit. He inspired me to worship Him. As I was reading, I followed His leading and lifted my hand in praise. Thank you Holy Spirit, thank you Gene. Come, Holy Spirit, Come Immanuel, Come Abba Father! I encourage you to continue this blog. Don't stop. (unless God says to, of course)
Gene-
I think the best things that you have written are the honest accounts of your experiences. I can certainly relate to what you shared here!
pt
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